Goodbye Elder Lyons

So I was thinking about stuff today and I also realized that I am going to miss this kid

Elder Mark Lyons is one of the greatest guys I have ever known. Yeah. We never really talk to each other, but I do care for him and I will miss him as he goes on his mission. He leaves this Thursday (March 8) for the South African MTC and then in a few weeks, he will be heading to the English-speaking mission (lucky:) of Nairobi, Kenya. 

Mark was my trek brother the summer before ninth grade. He taught me a lot like perseverance, determination, will power, and just having fun. Much of what he taught me then still helps me now and I know that if only a few days of talking with him helped me, then there will be many people who will understand more of the gospel because of his inspiring and powerful words. 

So good luck to you Mark! There are so many waiting for you to hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. Do not forget to "Push it Charlotte!" and "Punch it Margaret!" :)

Outcast

Outcast. Alone. Terrified. Stressed. Desire of friends that actually care. Do I really belong?

Lots of things have been running through my mind the past few months...I know that I haven't been going to church. I know that it may seem that I'm falling away from what I always promised I would do through my baptismal covenants. I don't know why I am doing all this to myself. It breaks my heart every Sunday as I think of what everyone else is thinking of me. Maybe I don't see them as my real friends anymore. Yeah. They're great people. But I always feel like they are judging me when I don't show up for church one Sunday. I feel like they're talking about me in discriminating tones. So I avoid it. I don't go to church. It's not that I don't believe this church is true. I believe it with all my heart. But in my head I see faces of those I care dearly for mocking me and all I want to do is run away.

When I was a child, church was the only thing I looked forward to every Sunday. To me, that was my whole world. I loved going. To hear of the noble prophet Nephi and how Esther saved her people was always a dream to me. I loved to sing "A Child's Prayer" and "Love is Spoken Here". I remember that whenever we had a day where our chorister would pick a song each of us had written out of a bowl, those two songs were always the most popular. Them and "I Love to See the Temple". :) So what happened to the child who always wanted to go to church unafraid of those around her even though she had moved so much?

Growing up happened. Because of social norms, my friends in my ward also grew up and began wearing make up at such a young age. Sure. I tried my best to keep up. But eventually money came into play and that's something my mom and I don't have a lot of. The more make up my friends wore, the more superficial they appeared to me. At such a young age, make up became their life. Then clothes came into play. My body was awkward at the time and once again money came into play. While all the other girls were wearing the new designer brands, I was stuck with shirts my mom brought home from her work at BYU. The division seemed to increase when I ended up going to different schools than the majority of my friends in my ward. Sure. During jr high I had a few people from my ward go to the same school. But then high school came around and it seemed I was a complete outcast. Every time I see my friends they were talking about a class or a teacher that did something stupid.

You probably can't see why these things would come into play with my involvement in the church but I can. It all makes sense to me and sometimes I don't know why it can't make sense to other people. Or maybe it's something entirely different. Maybe it's because I know I'm leaving Utah to go to college and to isolate myself from my friends seems like the easiest way to say goodbye for me. Maybe my mind is trying to prevent my heart from getting hurt. Putting up a guard. A shield. But then why doesn't it do it for school? Those are the people I care most about. They are my true friends. Even the ones who don't talk to me, or listen to me, or even acknowledge my existence. I still care for them and they are going to be the ones who are going to make my heart ache because I don't want to say goodbye. But I have to go to college. I feel like I don't have a choice anymore.

But there is one thing that I do know. I know Christ lives and that he will show me where I am to go. He wants to protect me from heartache. I know he does. I know Heavenly Father does. The last thing They want is to have one of their children hurting. But They also know that it has to be done so we can all grow from our experiences.

So I've decided on something. Screw social norms and the fear of the future. I am going back to church next Sunday with my head held high and I am going to prove to myself that I can place my life back in control of what I want and not what everyone else wants. If that means I am going without my mom and have to sit by myself then I will. I need to take control of my life for my sake and no one else's.

This has been my motto for quite some time now.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

All I have to do is trust in the Lord. It's that simple. :)

So...yesterday was the FIRST time that I ever tasted pie! Yeah. I know. I'm weird right??? Yeah. Well it was apple and I love the crust! It was my favorite part! I decided it was time that I should try it rather than hate it and loathe it forever. It turned out to be tons better than I originally thought.

It's not my favorite dessert in the world, but I can stand it. Chocolate ice cream is my favorite! Always will be!

Let me tell you, if you ever get on my bad side or make me upset or anything, get me chocolate ice cream and you will make me the most happiest person in the world... Chocolate ice cream is the way to my heart! :)

So the other night, I completed my college application for Purdue University!!! Woohoo! It was so much fun! No really! I had fun!!! :)

So to the request of my darling friend, Camille, here is my essay that I wrote...

The prompt was: You have just fulfilled your lifelong career and are now about to start your autobiography. Share the title and introduction.

A Modern Fairytale Intertwined with Reality

A dream that comes true; that’s all I ever wanted. I wanted that happy ending that make your eyes swell with tears of joy. The ending where you jump up and down with enthusiasm and yell over and over again, “I did it!” And you know what? I got it. I got my fairytale ending. I accomplished my goals and made my dreams and wishes become a reality. Although, I have to admit, the plot of my life didn’t compare to the well-known Cinderella story. I faced my own trials and tribulations along the way without the wave of a magical wand to save me from a situation of desperation. I faced experiences that altered my life. I challenged myself through my doubts and questions unanswered. Should I continue on this path of education of which I have chosen? Should I stay true to my faith, my beliefs? What are my values? My standards? But the question that kept itself in the front of my mind and never left was the question that no young woman is willing to answer immediately, without hesitation. Have I been deceiving myself and living a lie? Or do I have self-confidence somewhere within me? Throughout my life, each and every one of these questions haunted me, as they should. I was entering new territory everyday that felt foreign to my recurring habits and natural instincts. As I continued to progress and learn everyday, I began to ask myself a new question that overlapped the fear and fright. From that point on, I examined each of my experiences using this question as my guideline for success and achievements. When times came upon me I would ask, am I ready to blossom?

So today, I possibly made a big mistake and upset one of my friends. Now because of it, I feel guilty and therefore, my body went into shut down mode...

I don't want to eat and I don't really want to do anything else. Yep. Shut down mode.....

Obsessions

Can people tell when they are obsessed over something??? Or do they remain oblivious to the fact...

Here at Maeser, there is an addiction that is occurring within the school's very walls..... It is called

THE STOCK MARKET GAME!!!

It has taken control of so many minds, including mine. The competition of gaining the most amount of money, to triumph over your rivals also participating, to feel that satisfaction of watching your money (although it is pretend...) and seeing it grow before your very eyes within the matter of a few seconds. Nothing is more compelling.

This controlling operative has taken over the minds of so many students. Some are deeper into it than others. Those students are the ones who want that moment of glory in saying, "I am first. You are not. You will never win. So you're gonna try? Bring it on." But is there such a thing as being too obsessed.

This game is not all fun. The stress and pressure of keeping your amount of money out of the gutter is tiring and overwhelming. Many have given up because of it. Especially since we are Maeser students here and receive enough homework already, the added pressure of a game takes its tolls on many. When the semester is over, will those who have become obsessed be able to let go??? Or will they go through deprivation and disastrous consequences??? I guess we will find out eventually... The end of the semester is approaching in the matter of a few weeks. Lets see if those who were strong before this game can conquer the game, in their own mind, and rise above it...

How have I come this far in high school? Only yesterday I was a freshman striving to find a place in the "bowling alley". I now am a senior with college applications in my hands and scholarships on my mind. But to be quite honest, my world  is falling apart...

This past week I have had to do one of the hardest things that I have ever done in the past five years. I was forced to block my Uncle Jack and Aunt Danielle on Facebook. My Uncle Jack I can easily block. He has his own issues. My Aunt Danielle on the other hand, has been like my second mom for the longest time. She helped raise me during the summers my mom shipped me to Utah. She helped me learn so many different things that has influenced who I am today. Nothing tortured me more than clicking that last button that would finalize my decision. My heart was pounding so loud that it created a beat to a song of depression. But I did it. It's over now. They are out of my life and my mom believes they can no longer injure me on the one place that was to connect me with the ones I love.

To be honest, I cried. Even before I did that last click.  I cried so much that questions began to go through my mind. I questioned whether my  mom was right. I questioned whether or not I should obey the commandment to obey my mom. I questioned everything relevant to the subject and only one answer came to my mind. I had to do it. No other response came to me. I knew what I had been taught. I knew that the gospel was true. I could never deny it. I knew that when I received a straight forward answer, I had to follow through with it. It's what I've been taught. It's what I have grown to experience and come to realize in my heart.

Nothing will change my mind. Maybe, someday, this situation will work out and I will be able to click the one link that will reunite me and my aunt, "Unblock". Until that day, I will remain steadfast in my decision and remain true to what I know today.