Outcast

Outcast. Alone. Terrified. Stressed. Desire of friends that actually care. Do I really belong?

Lots of things have been running through my mind the past few months...I know that I haven't been going to church. I know that it may seem that I'm falling away from what I always promised I would do through my baptismal covenants. I don't know why I am doing all this to myself. It breaks my heart every Sunday as I think of what everyone else is thinking of me. Maybe I don't see them as my real friends anymore. Yeah. They're great people. But I always feel like they are judging me when I don't show up for church one Sunday. I feel like they're talking about me in discriminating tones. So I avoid it. I don't go to church. It's not that I don't believe this church is true. I believe it with all my heart. But in my head I see faces of those I care dearly for mocking me and all I want to do is run away.

When I was a child, church was the only thing I looked forward to every Sunday. To me, that was my whole world. I loved going. To hear of the noble prophet Nephi and how Esther saved her people was always a dream to me. I loved to sing "A Child's Prayer" and "Love is Spoken Here". I remember that whenever we had a day where our chorister would pick a song each of us had written out of a bowl, those two songs were always the most popular. Them and "I Love to See the Temple". :) So what happened to the child who always wanted to go to church unafraid of those around her even though she had moved so much?

Growing up happened. Because of social norms, my friends in my ward also grew up and began wearing make up at such a young age. Sure. I tried my best to keep up. But eventually money came into play and that's something my mom and I don't have a lot of. The more make up my friends wore, the more superficial they appeared to me. At such a young age, make up became their life. Then clothes came into play. My body was awkward at the time and once again money came into play. While all the other girls were wearing the new designer brands, I was stuck with shirts my mom brought home from her work at BYU. The division seemed to increase when I ended up going to different schools than the majority of my friends in my ward. Sure. During jr high I had a few people from my ward go to the same school. But then high school came around and it seemed I was a complete outcast. Every time I see my friends they were talking about a class or a teacher that did something stupid.

You probably can't see why these things would come into play with my involvement in the church but I can. It all makes sense to me and sometimes I don't know why it can't make sense to other people. Or maybe it's something entirely different. Maybe it's because I know I'm leaving Utah to go to college and to isolate myself from my friends seems like the easiest way to say goodbye for me. Maybe my mind is trying to prevent my heart from getting hurt. Putting up a guard. A shield. But then why doesn't it do it for school? Those are the people I care most about. They are my true friends. Even the ones who don't talk to me, or listen to me, or even acknowledge my existence. I still care for them and they are going to be the ones who are going to make my heart ache because I don't want to say goodbye. But I have to go to college. I feel like I don't have a choice anymore.

But there is one thing that I do know. I know Christ lives and that he will show me where I am to go. He wants to protect me from heartache. I know he does. I know Heavenly Father does. The last thing They want is to have one of their children hurting. But They also know that it has to be done so we can all grow from our experiences.

So I've decided on something. Screw social norms and the fear of the future. I am going back to church next Sunday with my head held high and I am going to prove to myself that I can place my life back in control of what I want and not what everyone else wants. If that means I am going without my mom and have to sit by myself then I will. I need to take control of my life for my sake and no one else's.

This has been my motto for quite some time now.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

All I have to do is trust in the Lord. It's that simple. :)